I don't know what's been wrong with me for the past few weeks. I've not been taking care of myself very well. I used to be more diligent about it. I've started eating more sugary products and I've not been exercising as much. I had been in the habit of saying affirmations and doing yoga and keeping up with spiritual practices. I have dropped off these activities. I still practice gratitude either by stating verbally out loud the things I'm grateful for, or by writing in my gratitude journal. I've been less consistent with yoga and exercise.
Honestly, these recent weeks have felt like a retreat. At times, I've craved more normalcy and less spirituality. This feeling has been pretty prominent. On YouTube, I watch Seinfeld clips rather than spiritual content. Or I watch cooking content or cat videos. I've tired of spiritual gurus talking about the next full moon or portal. I miss those days before my spiritual awakening....not the emotional state of course (I felt empty and dead inside)....I miss the simplicity and comfort of routines. Even though I was wrong when it came to just about everything back then, I seldom felt confused, lost or stuck. I knew what was likely to happen the next day or the next several weeks or months. Every day I'd get up, go to work and come home. I'd have drinks on Friday nights with friends, rest all day Saturday....feel human again on Sunday, then go to work Monday morning. Week after week, year after year. Even when life issues happened, like the death of my parents or when my teenage daughter entered into dangerous levels of depression, I felt like I could depend on those routines. That's not how it is anymore. I have no routines. I have no idea what's going to happen this week or the next. Maybe nothing happens or maybe something. I have savings and money, but I don't want to burn through savings. I'd like an income. I have no idea though, how to make money unless I go back to work. Part of me knows I just need to be quiet and listen and the answers will come, but I miss those days where I pretty much knew what to do.
The flow of life feels like waves on a shore as the tide comes in. The waves come up on the shore, and then retreat. As more waves wash on the shore, they go further as the tide rises, but there are retreats. These recent weeks feel like a big retreat. The craving to go back where I didn't have so many questions. The craving to go back to predictability. The craving to go back to more certainty. Seinfeld was the show about nothing. And my life back then was the same. It was about nothing. I worked and raised my child. That was it. I suppose I had a purpose though....simply survival.
When I don't take care of myself or engage in spiritual practices (yoga, exercise, meditation), the problem is that energy gets stuck. The energy inside my body gets stuck if I don't move around. Combine this with sugary foods and you get more inflammation and increased levels of cortisol In summary, all this combines to make me feel old. My joints get stiff. This week, my lower back hurts. I have a shiatsu massager that I used on my lower back this morning, because my back is stiff, and it was surprising the emotional boost it gave me! That's a sign that energy is stuck and the massage loosened it a bit.
I know I have to not buy sweets. I've been drinking a lot of hot coco made with milk. It's cold here and I love warm milk. Maybe I just need to switch from coco to turmeric, which tastes pretty good! I think this is what I'll do. That doesn't mean absolutely no carbs. Everything within reason. I try not to eat much meat. I drink a fruit smoothie every day with spinach and berries and sometimes I make one with pineapple and mango. These also have yogurt. I love my peanut butter and banana protein shakes. My diet isn't terrible but it's not great, either.
The other change that needs to happen is more exercise. I did get in a bunch of skiing during the holidays. Tomorrow is Friday and the Quechee ski slope is open (it's open Fridays through Sundays). Hopefully my lower back is okay. It's not excuse if it isn't though. I can always swim in the indoor pool.
In the meantime, I just looked at my store analytics. I realized that much of my traffic is bots. So I need to get going on my Pinterest posts.
Additionally, I have spent time this week reconnecting and sitting in silence. After the day where I had an orgy of ego....I spent the next day trying to be quiet and listen. What I heard is that I need purpose. This is what has been missing in my life. Having purpose. Back when I worked, I had a purpose (even if it was just survival) and this made life okay. I thought that if I get a job in industry, that could give me some purpose. Then I thought, 'no, don't wait'. So, I decided to get reiki certified. It's not expensive. It's not hugely time consuming either. I found a place in Montpelier and I go this Saturday to receive one of their reiki sessions ($10 for 20 minutes....I'm used to paying over $100 for this service, I'd had some sessions in the Boston area). This could also help me release stagnant energy. Getting the certification will help to teach me how to manage my own energy...to essential perform reiki on myself. My longer term goal will be to perform reiki at community centers and battered women's shelters. A battered woman is probably in a place where her lower chakras need work (the root chakra helps to earn money and obtain resources and the solar plexus is self empowerment). The reiki might help open up in those areas and also to balance feminine and masculine energies within themselves so they feel more whole (to help stave off temptation of going back). Online, I've seen women in the divorce groups who were beaten and abused being tempted to go back. A sense of wholeness might end that temptation. Of course, I don't know anything with certainty. I'm projecting myself into a situation I have no real understanding of. Still, it's a place to start. I can start having purpose. I need to keep listening like this...when it comes to making money, the best way to do it is by listening. I will not be learning reiki to make money. It's not a very lucrative career. I'd be learning reiki to give back to those in need to give myself a sense of purpose. I could start doing reiki on people as soon as February.
Why do I think I'd be good at reiki? Since my spiritual awakening, my vibrational energy has increased. All of us are vibration. If you're in a place of fear or anger, you're in a low vibration. If you're calm, peaceful, happy and especially if you feel love, then you're at a high vibration. We all have a vibrational baseline and since awakening, my baseline is pretty high. I'm not at Buddha level vibration. I'd have a way to go to get there. I'm at a fairly good vibration though. I think this means I might be pretty good at reiki. I won't know until I try. At the end of the day, I don't think anyone will object to free reiki sessions. Anything I can do to help women to feel better would be nice for me to do. Healing for them and healing for me too. I don't need to wait around to have a purpose. I can create that for myself now, with or without a job.
I don't know if operating a store is right for me. I'll keep at it bit by bit. And if it's not right I'll drop it. However, what is right for me will definitely find me. I have faith in that. I just have to be quiet long enough to get the proper guidance.
Taking care of myself physically will also raise my vibration higher too. It's the right thing.
There will be a next wave, and hopefully it will propel me that much more forward....I have to see retreats as useful though.
Thank you for reading.
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