This was a statement made to me in a private online conversation I had with another woman who is newly divorced. She feels really alone and empty inside she told me. She had been married a very long time and she initiated the divorce, because she was receiving no emotional support or intimacy in the marriage. One assumes her husband was similarly unfilled in the marriage, as he was as equally disconnected. She told me she cries a lot. She said people tell her to "find herself", and she doesn't really know how to do that. She might not even know what they mean by that.
I could feel her deep loneliness. She said she wants someone to hug her and remind her that she's lovable. Her big issue is knowing and loving herself.
I told her the following:
Finding yourself is about reflecting on your choices and the beliefs/emotions that drove those choices. You already took a big step in asking for a divorce. You may be feeling an identity crisis because you defined yourself by being someone's wife and/or someone's mother. When that happens...when your thoughts and energies are directed towards everyone else and not yourself, it's easy to lose touch with the core of who you are. The real you is the observer of your life....the observer of your thoughts, beliefs and emotions. If your husband was withdrawn, it might be because you gave away too much of yourself. It's easy to lose touch with the core of who you are when all thoughts and energies are focused on everyone but you. If your husband was withdrawn, it might be because you gave away too much of yourself. Who were you before you met him? What about you attracted him? Did you give something away for the sake of the relationship? Career? Other aspirations? Did you cease being the person you were when you met him? A desire for a man to hold you...a desire for a man to make you feel complete....this all stems from your own lack of wholeness and completeness.
All of us go into a relationship or marriage with a certain self concept. And many of us go into it as injured beings. It's hard to escape childhood unscathed by dysfunctional family dynamics, school yard bullying or some other emotionally traumatizing event. We think we heal from it, and move onwards, but those emotional wounds stick with us. They even change our self concept. If you were bullied like I was, then maybe you became your biggest critic. Maybe your inner voice was one who called yourself dumb for not knowing a particular fact. Maybe you looked in the mirror and saw how huge your nose was or criticized every thigh dimple or roll of fat. Maybe you thought of yourself as clumsy or unintelligent. Worst of all, maybe you felt unlovable and invisible. These self concepts are false! Yet we carry this into relationships thinking these thoughts and feelings have no bearing on it. That's not true.
In the beginning of all relationships, we project our own image on to them of who we believe they are. We don't actually know much about them, but we fill in the gaps with imagined positive traits. We often idealize him, and blind ourselves to any behaviors that don't fit the picture we paint. Some of us fall hard for that idealized image. The same can be true in the other direction. The truth is, the relationship we engage in is our own projected image of the other person (and not the real person they are). This can last, weeks, months, years and many decades. Over time, one side or the other (often both) don't live up to that image, but we become fixed in the habit of the relationship. Sometimes we drift apart, but still live together, fearful of change.
In every relationship, there's a power dynamic. I once read a book called "The Passion Trap".
https://a.co/d/fBnvX9s
The author suggested that the person who loves least possess the most power in the relationship. He said that insecurity and attraction are closely connected. When we fall in love deeply (in love with our projected image of the other), we might become so addicted to that love....we sometimes lose ourselves. Our thoughts, feelings emotions might even become fixated on that other person. A few of us might even become obsessive. Then every time he doesn't call, or indicates that maybe he doesn't care, some of us may become acutely triggered. Our insecurities flare. We chase. We become the one who always calls, texts or seeks. Our fears heightened, as we frantically seek to avoid abandonment. Those abandonment fears....those feelings are so scary and so uncomfortable. Yet, when we chase the other to avoid feeling abandoned and needing reassurance, there's a sense of shame too. We don't want to be this needy and weak person. Sometimes, we even hate ourselves for our own behaviors.
The author is right. The more aloof person has power in the relationship. The more we get pushed away, the tighter we cling and chase. He might feel smothered....need space. Then we get hurt by that. A lot of time our partners hate being under the microscope and being placed on a pedestal they know is unrealistic. They fell in love with a woman, and she's no longer there....her thoughts and energy are all about the him. Where did she go? How did she get so lost?
The author of the passion trap refers to the more powerful person is the "one up" and the less powerful person as the "one down". A lot of people, myself included, have seen both sides of that equation. Honestly, it sucks to be on either side. I hated being the one up person. Every thing I did was scrutinized. I felt under the microscope. Every mood I had was assumed to mean things it didn't. Being the one up person is equally bad as being the one down person. Yet, how do we fix it?
The author's remedy is wrong. The author said that the one up person needs to power through their need for space and provide reassurance to the one down person. They need to pay extra attention and be more loving. That is not the answer. The reason the one down person is in that position is because she does not love herself. She is not holding herself in high regard. There's emotional scars there that need to come out and be examined. She has to self reflect and take a look at the injured version of herself. Was it childhood bullying? Did a parent routinely insult him or her? What was it that caused the insecurity or injury? Recalling the times one has gotten hurt is helpful, because those feelings need to be felt (a good cry is very healing). She needs to learn to sooth her own emotions. Hug that version of herself (mentally) and then reframe the story. Is the injury even real? Was the taunt or insult true? Most of the time, the people who hurt us are actually acting on their own pain, and it's not even about us. So, reframe that story and repaint that picture. She also needs to take a long hard look at her self talk. Is she routinely insulting to herself? Does she call herself "stupid" or "clumsy" or "lazy"? It needs to stop, because she's none of those things. She, as the one down person, needs learn from his/her triggers. Doing an exercise called "So, then what?" can help.
In the "yeah, so then what" exercise.... let's say I'm triggered about being late to work and I get really upset, the exercise goes like this...
Me: I'm angry because I'm late to work
Also me; So, what then?
Me: I've been late a number of times
Also me: So, then what?
Me: I might get a bad review
Also me: So then what?
Me: I might lose my job
Also me: So, then what?
Me: I can't pay my mortgage and become homeless
This tells me I have an irrational fear of lack and need to examine where that might have come from. And I need to figure out a way to heal that and create a new belief in myself that money flows my way and I don't need to worry about it.
Women who lose themselves in their relationship would do well with this exercise when it comes to triggers. Triggers are truly a gift!! Use them well, because they teach you about you.
The prescription in the passion trap is wrong, because the relationship will always struggle until she learns to love herself. He partner cannot do that for her. It has to come from within. Using the "So then what" exercise is one way for her to examine her wounding patterns.
I'll be writing more on this topic, so stay tuned.
In the meanwhile, if you're in the need for yoga clothes, please visit and support my store: www.chemistalchemist.com
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