I have forced myself outdoors on more days than not. I don't go out for long. I have access to a ski slope that doesn't cost me money, so get out there for even a short while without it mattering. Obviously, if I bought a pass where I spent $200, I'd stay out there longer....Having free access means I can go out for 20 or 30 minutes or longer if I want to. I graduated the bunny slope and took one trip down a longer steeper slope. I found new muscles I had forgotten about. That's good. In a few more days, I'll be up to 3 or more runs on that slope and will develop more confidence. Right now, I feel a bit shaky. Still, I'm proud of myself for building up these muscles bit by bit. The only way to build skiing muscles is to ski.
Skiing is not why I'm tired. When I say I'm tired, I'm not referring to muscles. I almost didn't go out today because I was feeling so exhausted. If I could sleep or nap it away, I would. I can't. This sort of tiredness doesn't go away with sleep. I wonder if my tiredness is due to my not staying in silence enough. I know that sounds strange. But being in mind, and disconnecting from myself seems to be energetically detrimental. I swear that when I look at news headlines, it makes me fall asleep. I have noticed this correlation, so I don't look at news as much. I can feel the energy drain away as I sit and look through headlines. When I say that "staying in mind" is detrimental, what I'm saying is that thinking too much is actually bad for me. What I need to be doing is keeping still and quieting my mind so my heart connects with my soul. This is why I worry about getting a real job. I worry that I'll stay in my head and it'll deplete me energetically. The truth is that I ought not worry at all. I'm being asked to stay in presence. Worry requires thinking of an undesired outcome in the future. If you're in presence, then there's not future being thought of. They call it the pathless path. You don't think of the future. You don't imagine the future. Instead, you stay in the present moment and connect with your soul and in each moment, your next step will become apparent. You take your step, and then your next step will show itself, and so on.
I guess I don't have a choice. I need to sit in silence or do some meditation. This morning, when I was watching YouTube, I heard the song "Runaway". As if my subconscious was chiding me for avoiding myself using distraction. The truth is....I'm so tired. So very tired and emotionally drained. I don't feel as if I can keep running anymore. It feels like I've run to the ends of the earth.....it reminds me of Forrest Gump suddenly saying he's tired and it's time to go home. This running isn't physical though. It represents my mind wanting to distract itself from my soul. It's my mind that is running from just "being". Being is connecting.
I can't get into details on my spiritual journey or what it's about. There are elements that are very clear to me. I know why I had a kundalini awakening, even if I don't fully understand my mission yet. I also know that this whole thing is emotionally exhausting. I don't do anything that should warrant feeling so tired all the time. Yet, there are others out there who are having a similar experiences as me (they've had a kundalini awakening for the same reason as me, and are going through all the same symptoms). I'm not alone. Though, this can feel lonely at times. I don't know anyone in person with this type of experience. Everyone going through this with me are people I met online. Almost no one in my life understands. I am not complaining though, because I understand how very fortunate I am to not be in a place of fear. I understand how fortunate I am for knowing more about how the universe works and knowing who we really are. I am grateful for my journey, so far. Part of me is in a hurry to get to the next stage....I keep hoping my energy will come back (usually it does, but then it goes away again). I keep hoping for insight as to what I should be doing, besides my store. There's a reason I had this happen, and it's not to sell online products.
Last night I fell asleep and dreamt of an entire lost history. I heard a voice say "to remember what we once knew". In my dream, I explained the lost history in detail. To my surprise, I was taken seriously and people were studying what I told them and looking for evidence to support it. I woke up wondering if that's my mission, and if so, how am I supposed to access that information? I can only hope.
Doubtful anyone is reading this, especially during this holiday week, but if you are, thank you for reading.
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